Saturday, May 31, 2008

My Big Ol' box of Crayons

I was sitting in the movies tonight watching Sex and the City. I laughed, I almost cried. And as I walked out of the theater with a friend beside me I realized how long it had been since I had really laughed the way I did tonight. And I couldn't help but be happy. I finally feel like moving here wasn't a mistake. I don't know that at any one point I ever thought "wow this was a mistake" but there were several times when I honestly had my doubts. I'm so thankful for this feeling. While I was sitting in the theater, during the previews my friend leaned over to me and said "Next time you want to go on a random road trip. Call me first and I'll come with you" wow. I think I'm just happy to know that I'm not alone. Night world

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Money Money Money

It's summer time. I think I just found my first mosquito bite of the summer. So I've made the decision that it's time to go back to Missouri for a little bit in the end of July. I told mom I would come because I was sure I could scrounge up 160 bucks to fly home. All of the sudden though, I'm in a nervous panick to just get enough money to make rent. Am I all that nervous just yet? No. I still have options. Dad's going to give me some money today and I get paid tomorrow. Past that point I'll know if I need to worry. But still even after that I still have a few options. I'm sure if it came down to tooth and nail, mom would help me out. Plus I can always try and give plasma. It doesn't pay much, but it would be enough to help me out. Hell anything is a help at this point. This is the first time in a long time, well I guess the first time really where I'm in a pickle and I'm not just putting in a call for more money, I'm trying to figure this thing out for myself. As overrated as being an adult truly is, I'm lucky. Becuase I know it will all work out.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Me Head still hurts and my heart is sore...

For such a long time my heart ached from a year in another world... everything i heard made me think of it and everything that made me think of it made my heart hurt even more. And then there was a connection with that thing and such a strong memory with everything. That feeling of connection though has slowly started to fade. It's there sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I hated that feeling when it lived with me. I truly just wanted to be better. Sometimes though I just wish I could have that connection, and I do sometimes, like I said. I still miss it, and it still sucks from time to time. I try to remember who I was and what it was that made me who I was. I went to the Mall yesterday with a friend and we were trying on perfumes at the perfume counter and I sprayed some Chanel on my wrist and it smelled like Mexico. It was what my host mother wore and it smelled like the memory of that year. Like several other exchangers I often wonder if it's just me that feels like they'll never be ok

Thursday, May 22, 2008

The big picture...

For as long awhile now I have known somewhere deep down inside that I am meant to do something amazing. I don't know what it is. But I have come close to dying enough times, and I believe that God pulled me back only to put me back on my path of doing something amazing. I don't know how to do it though. I don't know what this amazing thing is supposed to be. I sometimes feel like its right there though like its with in reach. And I don't know what it is. I want to help by sponsering some little indosean kid but I dont feel like thats it. It's helping someone... but. I just don't know.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The new car

Good news, I have a tobe psyched. Its a white 2001 chevy malibu. Its great. But... I miss my old car. I miss the way it ran, I miss the way I didnt have to unlock it to get out. The way I knew it and it knew me... if that makes sense. I miss the key slot beside the steering wheel not. To put it simply... I just miss it.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

A rock and a hard place...

So a few days ago, I was sitting in my apartment with two days off of work, knowing already that I will be bored out of my mind if I don't find my own fun. So I figure a small road trip is in order. But where will I go? Well Washington, DC isn't too far, why don't I try that out. So I drive up there and spend the next day just loving all of it, and it's history too. It wasn't until on my way home however that the real fun started. En Route to North Carolina, on some high way in the middle of Virgina, I thought I heard my baby Fernanda (my car) speaking to me (making a noise) then I assume I'm just hearing things. Suddenly however my cruise control drops drastically from 80 to 50. At this point I slow down and pull over to the side of the road. Smoke come spilling out of my hood and I'm utterly confused because I had recently just had my oil changed, so there wasn't a reason I could think of as to why she would overheat. Well the cops and the fire men show up... that was fun. Then the tow truck picks me and my baby up and tells me that they can look at it, but it would probably be tomorrow before she got fixed. I didn't worry too much, Fernanda has a strong heart. So they drop me off at a hotel, and I'm stranded only to find out that I cannot get a room unless I'm 21. So I'm really stuck until one girl offers to drive me to another hotel. Well come to find out my baby blew her head gasket (whatever that means) and it's going to cost almost as much to fix it what I paid for it. So I'm putting her to rest, she's turning in her tires. And as for right now I'm just stuck.... sad... but stuck. And carless mind you

Saturday, May 10, 2008

live a life less ordinary

I've always been going somewhere or doing something. I've always had some grand adventure but now... now I feel like I'm just standing still. It's ok sometimes, like when I'm looking over the table at someone and know that if they go away, it's not because I'm leaving. But then there's the other times when I have nothing to do all day simply because there's nothing to do. My head says stay here, my heat says do something adventurous. so which one do I listen to? I'm growing here, and I'm realizing that more and more all the time. It's kind of scary. I look in the mirror these days and wonder if this is what I'll look like in three years. Is this what the grown up me will look like? Is this the grown up me? My thoughts are more mature, I still fly on a whim but I take more things into thought before I do something.
All the while however i listen to the song "better as a memory" and can't helped but be scared out of my mind. not so much the chorus but... "I move on like a sinner’s prayer I Let it go like a levee breaks Walk away as if I don’t care Learn to shoulder my mistakes. I’m Built to fade like your favorite song Getting reckless when there’s no need. Laugh as your stories ramble on Break my heart, but it won’t bleed My only friends are pirates, it’s just who I am... Never sure when the truth won’t do I’m pretty good on a lonely night I move on the way a storm blows through I never stayed, but then again I might. I struggle sometimes to find the words I’m always sure until I doubt I walk a line until it blurs Built walls too high to climb out. But I’m honest to a fault, it’s just who I am" So there you go