Sunday, March 23, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Matt is comming to visit me on Wednesday and I'm pretty excited. He and I met in our youth hostel in Paris. I was schedualed to spend a day with another guy, but he joined in with us. I asked him the other day how much we had walked in our day and he claims "I know we walked atleast seven miles" I couldn't beleive it. Well actually I could because I think i lost it on the way back to the hostel because I was so tired. We'd done everything that day... the eifel tower, the catacombs, the grave yard. It truely was a magical day. But back to the present, he's comming to visit me from California next week. And thus far he is the only one I really trust to read my story about Mexico. I'm not sure why. But who know.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Isn't it funny how in the present a person might not be able to see something as clearly as it might actually be? Years later though hind sight is 20/20 and the unclearity that had been in that moment just doesn't seem to make sense. It's hard to live in everymoment and to realize every second just how rare it is.
I spent years trying to get to somewhere else. I mean I can remember in the fifth grade I wanted to live somewhere other than where I was. When I was in the fifth grade I remember wanting to go to college somewhere where no one would know me, and I would go by a different name and be someone else completely. I wanted to start over.
I don't miss living in Missouri, but I miss the familiarity of it. I mean every other time I've ever left, I always went back to Marshall. The friends and family I had there was what I always went back to. Well now I'm somewhere else, somewhere a little more permanent for me. At least I hope it is.
Honestly, if I could go back to one time, I'd go back to my year in mexico. I wouldn't have done anything different, it was an amazing year. I do think though that I would have taken every moment and cherished it, I would have prayed that time would stop and let me live in the moment instead of always trying to live in the future.
I had a revaltion today. I want to go back to Mexico in a really bad way, and while right now if I decided to go, I have the funds in my bank account to just go. But I wouldn't have anything left, and my job right now isn't enough to support me. I need to go back. But I realized it's not a smart decision right now, to just go somewhere when I'm not even sure that I'll be making enough to support myself. There's so many things I want right now. A bigger apartment, a dog, to go to mexico, new clothes, sunglasses. That's a small list. Ontop of that there's the basics, food, water, electric, yada yada. So it seems right now I'm not going anywhere. Except flordia for easter of coarse
Sunday, March 2, 2008
I'm visiting my aunt for Spring break in Jacksonville, FL. It's the same thing I did last year and while I realize it's not me topless in Daytona (not that I would be anyway), it's still a good time. Last year was a bit crazy, it involved me and my aunt, along with my cousin getting rip roaring drunk with a dinner bill that rang up a little over $180 with only thirty of that being food. That was a bit nuts. This year though, we're all just hanging out. My cousin and I used to be really close as kids and then she moved to Florida and lets just say we drifted apart. Way back in my innocent days, I just couldn't seem to come eye to eye with some of the things she was doing, or telling me. I would listen in complete disbelief as she would tell me of her plans of going to Daytona when she was out of town. She told me not to tell her mom, so instead I told my mom. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was jealousy, or maybe it was the fear of what could happen. Through the years, we stopped confining in each other and our lives grew more and more distant. It went to one point that she and I could hardly stand each other.
Last year had been weird, she had changed a lot and I just couldn't seem to see through this change. This year though, she and I seem to be okay for the first time in awhile. I don't think her and I will ever be friends like what we used to be, but I do think it's good that for the first time in a long time we can go out together and not secretly despise each other. So it's nice to just be able to exist. Her brother on the other hand, well that's a bit different. He and I have never been extremely close, I mean we aren't enemies or anything, but we've never confided in each other or anything like that. He's 17 now, which is odd, I will always see him as the way he was when he was 10. My cousin and I used to dress him up in our dresses. He had been this happy blue eyed person, this kid. Now though, I can see he's slowly coming into the next stage in his life, whatever that might be.
I've been living in Wilmington for two months now and I've only briefly left the city once, and that was in the middle of the night, but even then it was good to get out and just see some open space. Now though, I've been in Jacksonville since Thursday evening and I'm starting to miss Wilmington, I'm starting to miss my little apartment that I have finally gotten used to calling home. I used to stutter to myself when I would say "lets go to my house", even though it's not a house, it's what I called it and I couldn't really believe what I was saying each time I said it. I have my own place? Now, I'm finally used to that idea and I loved the way it just seems to fit me. I still claim that adulthood is extremely overrated but I think that at one point I might find that it's really worth something. I'm not all that sure what that something is at this point but I just keep on going from day to day thinking I might just figure it out somewhere along the lines.
I was riding in this big city with my cousin yesterday and took in how big the city was. It's not overly populated, but it is big, I'll give it that much. The town I grew up in is a mere 12,433 people, which is not much. It's pretty easy to always have someone around to remind you of who you are when you mess up or even worse, forget. When I had moved to Wilmington, I had thought it to be a good sized city, at least for me anyway, which it is. Coming here though I realize it's not all that big, Wilmington I mean. I'm not complaining about it's size because as far as I can tell it seems to be perfect for me. It's enough space that I can learn to let myself grow, and I can discover new things. Here though, in Jacksonville, I don't think I could ever live here, not without being very sure and set in who I am. It all got me thinking. I hated to think, while my cousin and I were driving around, how easy it would be to lose yourself in a place like this. With so much space, I would think it would be hard to remember just who you are without accidentally conforming to who you or someone else thinks you should be.