Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Settle for a slow down

So I have talked on and on and on about this time line I'm always living on yada yada whatever. Well you see, everytime I leave, about a month or so before I hand I start putting this barrier around myself that seems to let everyone know I'm leaving. And I would do this to stop from forming new relationships with anyone. Well that never happened so this year I didn't pay too much mind to the whole barrior building thing. Until someone snuck in and now I don't know what to do. I mean I'm living my life and loving it right now, but this whole moving this is comming on soooo fast. I'm leaving a month from yesterday. I fear more than anything that I will miss this person that snuck in under the barrior that I forgot to put up. Maybe that's just how life works though, we protect ourselves when we feel that we might get hurt, and when it's too late you just pray like hell that the other person wouldn't think to hurt you. This is new territory for me. Whole new territory and I'm so confused. Night

Sunday, November 18, 2007

thoughts on me

For those of you who know me know I'm suffering/living with a blessing a curse. I call this thing wonder lust, or just being a nomad. Many people comend me for this saying that they wish that they could just be able to travel around. Yada yada. Here's my thoughts on it, traveling alot and constantly being on the move, is excited, and it keeps my blood pumping, but it's also exhausting. A friend once asked me why I do it. Why do I get connected and then leave. It struck me as odd and all I could think to say was "its what I do". Many might assume that because I move alot that I must not have close friends. On the contrary, I have friends that I cherish with my life. The idea of leaving these kinds of friends is always frightening. What if I never see this person again? Hah!! I've been facing that question for a long while since I was 16. When I came back to Warrensburg, I said that I would be here for atleast a year. I haven't been in the same place for more than a year since I was 16. But this next move is it for awhile, I'm giving Wilmington, NC atleast three years, no less. I need to settle a bit. I honestly have no idea what I'm always running from. Well so much for insomnia. Night ya'll

Thursday, November 15, 2007

A world all its own

I think we all have a book that changed our lives, I mean it made us think in a new way and made us want to strive to be more, do more. And as much as I hate to say this because it goes to prove something to all my English teachers who use to prod at me to read more in high school (even though I read a great deal, I just didnt like the assigned reading), its usually the classics. The first book that every changed me however was "This Lullaby" by Sara Dessen. I have no idea why but there was something about the eight teen year old smart ass Remy that I fell in love with. That was in the eighth grade however, even though I still read it to this day. A more recent book however was little women. It taught me what it could mean to be humble... well really I dont know what it taught me, but it's usually the best things that leave you clueless. I'm dying to read "A Christmas Carol" before Christmas for the simple fact that I havent read it yet. Well I fear I must go, sleep seems to be pulling at my pant legs. G'night all.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


I was trying to put a picture in my profile and this is as close as I got. Anybody know how to do it? I'm sooo confused

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

boredom sinks in

I saw this one a friends blog and thought I'd try it. lol

fingers: lee
chin: ledes
eyes closed and one finger: lee
cheek: es
elbow: lee
lips: lcccccccccccdede
palm: l;rrr
back of hand: .fdfdf
attempt 5: l.o34e
attempt 6: .8i.
attempt 8: lrr
attempt 9: ler
nose: olee
tongue: lee

Monday, November 12, 2007

living on a deadline

Alas I'm writing again, and for the first time in awhile... I'm excited about it. I'm even at the point where I'm starting to make deadlines for myself. So... that's not much about living on a timeline. When I was sixteen I found out I would be moving to Mexico, so from December when I found out to August when I actually went, my life revolved mostly around me just getting to Mexico. Then once I got to Mexico it was how long I'd been there and then after that christmas it was how long till I would go home. Once I got home it was how much longer till I start school and then how much longer till I got out of school and then how much longer till I moved to college. Then once I got to college I decided I was going to spain for the summer, thus another count down, and it was the same way in spain... kind of, I was better about living in the moment and absolutly loooooved Paris and Dublin. Then I came back, convinced I would be here for atleast a year and then I wasn't even home three weeks and I was already planning to move again. Confused? You should try being me. So is this moving a psycological thing or is it just life? I'm ready to settel down for awhile, in North Carolina. I hope I like it because for a bit thats where I'm going to make my self stick. Well night all.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Blind sighted by my hind sight

So I came home for the night and a friend came over to visit with me. You see this friend is still in high school. We're in the middle of our conversation when she gets a call about some party. So suddenly I'm going to a high school party. I figured I'd stop by, say hi to a few people and then leave. Well this friend and I get there, and I say hi to like one person and then everyone starts freaking out because there's cops. So I haven't been drinking, but I'm not stupid either, so I leave. Well this punk high school kid parked like a block away and so this friend and I can't find our cars. She's running, so I'm running to keep up. And alas we find our cars and cut across some yard because they're a street over. Well theres a fince. And there's a cop car with in seeing distance from my car. So I tell my friend Im going to jump the fence (which I really need to learn how to do a running jump over a fince) but really i just climbed over it. So I get my car and go around the block to pick up my friend.

It's funny. Ninety percent of all parties that I went to in High School were when I was studying in Mexico, so needless to say, I've never been to a party that got busted by the cops. These kids were so stupid tonight. 18 year old kids drinking beer on the yard while cops are circling the block. stupid stupid stupid. So heres my question now. How did I become this person? The person who suddenly sees high school parties as stupid and pointless? I mean hell my older brother pretty much went to high school parties till he moved to California (at 22). When we were of that state of mind (becuase i spent my 18th year depressed so I was that state of mind before I was 18) how do we not see how stupid we are being? Just watching them tonight made me feel old. I mean granted their only a year younger than me... oh fuck it, I've clearly lost my train of thought and this is going no where. Good night everyone


My homework is finished... well for the most part. I'm not quite ready for my map quiz but I never do good on those and I'm hoping to get some time in tomorrow before class. Much of my night has been spent working on my 15 source annotated bibliography which took FOREVER. And I have to write the paper for that this weekend. And to think, they call this living the dream. Ha! Oh well it's not sooo bad. I finally got the lease for my apartment today, I was pretty excited. For the first time in my life, I am going to permanently leave home. I mean I've left home plenty of times before but I always came back with in the year. Oh well. I'm so excited though. Ugh and my stomache is starting to growl at me. I should probably go to sleep, I am somewhat tired. Well I'll end that here with a short post and promise to write about something a bit more exciting tomorrow. Buenos Noches. Besos. Ciao.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Transition period

A person tonight questioned me on whether or not I am truly happy. I mean we all say we're happy don't we? We all tell everyone around us how we're fine and how things are going good for the simple reason that they don't really care. It's to our friends however that we confide or true emotional being. Well I thought about it and decided, I am happy. It's just weird right now, I'm in a period I like to call transition period. It's a time of getting ready to leave, leaving, and getting readjusted and going through the motions of "culture shock" (something I learned about when going abroad and I believe it applies to most things). Right now I'm in the process of cutting ties with people and starting to plan my packing and where things will go and I'm starting to imagine what my very own apartment will feel like, what it will be like to be alone. It's starting over, all over again. I don't feel much in either way of being excited or being scared, I just feel ready.

Monday, November 5, 2007

ones self

I'm a lot to handle, I realize that. Really you don't have to tell me. I get it. I however take it as a good thing, I am my own person and for the most part I don't give a fuck what you think about me. That is until you make me question myself. My first roommate threatened to stab me last year, this lady spat in my face over the summer, my mom loves to remind me that these type of things don't happen to normal people, that it's just me. A month or so ago I was talking to a friends of mine and he told me that to make it in Hollywood (which is what i want) you have to be able to and I quote "Kill a cat and say 'I did that'" lol I wouldn't kill a cat but I have no problem confessing to what I've done. He said it was more or less the same thing. People in my hall way seem to think I'm a heartless bitch when in all reality I don't intend to come off as such, I just am who I am. Hell even my roommates pissed off at me now, not that I'm all the concerned about it. I've asked the opinons of those who live around me and they say that they think I am so cold and heartless that I will end up alone. I hate that thought. I don't want to end up alone. So is this what a person gets for finally learning how to be themselves? Shut down?

Sunday, November 4, 2007

A little bit from way back when...

He insisted on me letting him take me home, or at least ride with me in the Taxi. I shouldn’t do this. I mean yes he’s sweet and sure tonight has been nice but after I go home he’ll be gone, back into the city. He’ll disappear just like all the rest. It’s funny that in a city so small people go disappearing so easily. I’ll never see him again after tonight and maybe that’s just as well.
“Lee, let me take you home.” He was holding my hand and looking at me. I knew he didn’t want to literally take me home, but to just go with me when I go home.
“I can’t…” I hesitated, maybe he’d pay for the taxi and then I wouldn’t have to. That’s 12 pesos I could save. “It’s the rules.” I said simply. The rules were always my excuse for things. The reason I wouldn’t go home with guys. Well there were more reasons that just the rules but that was the excuse.
“Let me take you home.” I looked at him for a minute. If I made him sit behind the drivers seat so that I could get out if I had to… and he would pay for the taxi. I hope he doesn’t think he can stay at my house.
“Okay, fine. But before we leave, let me give you my number.” I watched as he grabbed a pin from the passing waiter and scribbled my number down on the napkin at the bar. “Lets go.” I said standing up off the bar stool and walking towards the door. I waited for him to catch up to me.
Grabbing his hand I leaned against him as the two of us walked down the stairs. It felt weird to be leaving with someone like this, I mean this is something that Fernanda or Carol might do, but not me. It’s nice though, maybe he cares, and maybe he will call me. Yeah and maybe I’ve only kissed two boys, which is not the case. He won’t call.
I stumbled down the cobble stone stairs in my stiletto shoes, scanning the street for a taxi. Then sticking my arm out I waved one down.
Oscar came up behind me and tried to get me to go in before him. I don’t think so, even if he is tall, I am not going to give him the chance to take advantage of me. He looked at me with a confused stare for a minute before climbing in the taxi, scrunched behind the driver’s seat. I climbed in after him and sat down—besides a girl needs her leg room.
“Adonde van?” the taxi drive said to the two of us.
“Enfrente de Saloon de las Estrellas.” I said easily as I leaned back in the seat. Looking over at Oscar he smiled at me, and I smiled at him, grabbing his hand. Our fingers intertwined. It was in that moment that I wished more than anything that this scene wasn’t so failure, when in many ways it was.
The taxi drove down the hill and I could see the house. “Aqui” I said to the driver pointing straight ahead. He nodded as he stopped the taxi and swung open the door. I walked over in front of the house and watched as Oscar paid the man. Was he going to have the taxi driver wait for him? Did he think he was going to sleep here? Hopefully he’ll walk back up the hill and get a taxi because he cannot stay here. The taxi driver pulled away. Oscar was coming towards me with a smile and I smiled nervously back at him, then looking at the cab which was now pulling up the hill. How is he getting home?
We both walked close to the house so that we were in front of my host fathers office which was now closed. Leaning down, he kissed me. I kissed him as well, standing on my tip toes to be able to be lever to him. I pulled him close to me, wrapping my arms around his waist. What am I doing I thought to myself. Pulling away, I looked at the ground
“What happened?” he looked startled.
“I uh, I have to go, my host dad is waiting for me in his room, he’s still awake. I uh need to go inside now.” I started to back away from him, walking backwards toward the door. “I had a lot of fun. Promise me you’ll call me tomorrow”
“Okay I’ll call” he still looked somewhat confused.
Before going inside I stopped with the door cracked and looked at him “Promise?” Enough men have told me they’ll call and they don’t.
“I promise.” I nodded and then stepped inside the door, closing it behind me, but leaving it open a crack to watch as he walked up the hill. I’d hate to be him climbing that hill this late.
Running up stairs into my bedroom, I watched from the window as he went up the hill and disappeared. He was nice; I mean I could really like him. But he won’t call. They never do, which can really be a downer at times. Oh well. Tomorrow there will be someone else, there always is. Walking out of my bed room, I poked my head into my host parent’s bedroom.
“Papa.” I waited nothing. “Papa!” still nothing “Papa!” I said louder this time, when he raised his head. “Estoy aqi”
“Ok Lee, buenas noches.”
“Buenas noches Papa.” I said shutting the door behind me. I wonder if he ever remembers in the morning that I woke him up?
Walking back into my bedroom, I kicked off my shoes and took off my jewelry, placing it on the dresser. I pulled my hair back into a pony tale as I walked into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror while I brushed my teeth, and I didn’t get it. There’s nothing all that special about me that make me all that different from anyone else. I’m just me and honestly I don’t always understand what people see that I don’t.
Back in my bedroom, I undressed myself, pulling on a pair of old pajama shorts and an over sized tee shirt. I was faced with the mirror again, and looked at the reflection of my cell phone on the bedside table. He won’t call. Then looking back at the mirror I looked at myself, it was me at the end of the day, me when I had no one but myself, it was me without the makeup, without my best friends, it was me without anything else.
As always, I began to replay the night in my head. The way I felt with his arm around me, his height, his awkward smile. Kim, Isreal, Fernand, yet another Pina Colada. All of these things were not much different from almost every other night that I’ve gone out since I’ve been here. Except Oscar, man he was really something. I’ve danced with all kinds of guys this year, I’ve hugged, I’ve kissed… But never have I felt the way I felt tonight when we were on the couch. I mean okay, so he wasn’t gorgeous, but I still… there’s just something about him. He wont call though, tomorrow will come and pass and tomorrow night I’ll be dancing with some other Mexican who thinks he’s worthy of my time. This all gets so old so fast. I wish he would actually call unlike all the others.
It was right as I was taking the pillows off my bed that I saw my phone light up, and I picked it up before it had a chance to ring. I didn’t recognize the number. “Bueno.”
“Hey Lee it is Oscar. Were you sleeping?” I can’t believe it, he called, and I must say I’m shocked.
“No. Not yet.” I smiled to myself. He actually called, and he didn’t even wait until tomorrow, ten points for him.
“Well I called because I couldn’t wait until tomorrow; I had to talk to you tonight.” Did he really just say that? Is this even possible that a guy would say that to me? I could feel myself blushing.
“I’m glad you called” I said, turning off my light and climbing into bed, still holding the phone. “I had fun tonight.”
“I did too” he really called, I can’t believe it. I mean a guy I liked actually called me. And he what he just said was so sweet, he couldn’t wait until tomorrow. “Well I’ll let you go but I just wanted to call and tell you good night.”
“Okay, good night.” I hope he calls tomorrow too. “So I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”
“Good night Lee, and sweet dreams” with that he hung up the phone as I disconnected the call.
Even when he knew me as Rachel, he still called

More than a memory

I close my eyes, and the world slips away from me. I search for that little moment of happiness in my mind, that little pocket where the memory is tucked away somehwere. Oh where is it? Come on I know I left it somewhere if only I could... oh there it is. My best friend's arm is wrapped around my neck, we both smile into the camera, documenting a memory we would both long to have again with our intire beings. She spoke portugese, I spoke English but somehow between broke spanish, she got me. And I guess you could say I got her too. Her and I had lots of little moments but one strikes me as a specific...

I would be leaving Mexico in three weeks and her and I had decided to brake the rules and go on a one day shopping trip. In six months she had grown to know me better than most ever have or ever will. She knew me in a time that was so crucial to my being, she knew me when I transformed into a crazier version of the person I am now. Well the memory, her and I had stopped off at a starbucks after a sucessful day of shopping. We each got the same thing, Chai Tea Latte's, which I still drink to this day. I mentioned how many days I had left, and how long it would be before we would see each other again. The idea of leaving her seemed so completely foreign. I couldn't remember my life for her, and I didn't want to. Friends like these dont come around often. I looked at her and said "What will you do when I'm gone and no one can go shopping with you?" what I really meant was, What will we do without eachother? She looked out the window, sipping her tea, she had this distant look in her eyes, only for a brief moment. and then said "Oh Lee" and by the tone I knew she would be sad, but the tone also let me know that our time together had not been wasted.

I cherish all my friends with all my heart, I truly do, but different friends just know me in different ways.