Friday, January 2, 2009

heading home...

I was supposed to fly home at four ten. I would fly into Philadelphia and then to Wilmington. Well the flight to Philly was so delayed that I was going to miss my connection flight. So instead they let me change my flight so that I fly into Charlotte and then to Wilmington, Yeah! I love it that way. Even though there were moments when I hated being home, I had a good time. The good usually seem to out way the bad. I think that’s the way it usually is though.
It’s a new year and I’m trying to be a new person. I guess we’ll see how that works out once I get home… I love that I have my own home. My own place that is mine. My bed, my sink, my couch.
I was reading Into the Wild last night, trying to finish it before I had to fly home. I wanted to leave it at the lake for everyone else. My mom had read the book years before and couldn’t get over the idea that Chris McCandless was crazy for wanting to go into the wild and dissapear from everyone. After reading the book I understood his feeling completely. There was something in the book that was talking about how he didn’t like relationships with people. He liked being around people, until they started to expect things from him, then he’d run off again. I thought it was nice to know that I wasn’t the only who’d ever wanted to do that. To have relationships with people, only at arms length. For me that feeling comes and goes, depending on the day.
A year ago I had an incident with my family. It took awhile for them to move on from what I’d done. It took my brother eight months before he would talk to me again. He came home over Christmas and it was good seeing him again. I was excited to hopefully talk to my brother in the idea that he and I would become closer. Wouldn’t you know it thought I was wrong. I think I maybe talked to him four times the whole time we were home at the same time. I had used his phone up grade to get a new iphone. I guess that was what broke the straw on a fragile camels back. I brooded over it for a few days. He had gone to spend a few days with my cousin, in an attempt to escape me. It was on day two and half that he was gone that I realized I didn’t care. I realized he just finds it easier to be mad at me than to try and make anything better or to ever be mad at anyone else. I know he will never come visit me in North Carolina and I probably wont see him except over Christmas and maybe once or twice over a few summers. So why wouldn’t he stay mad at me? I didn’t cosign his student loan for school so he can be mad at me. I’m not going to school an hour away from my home town so he wont see me every time he goes home. I figure he sees it that he’s not losing anything by being mad at me.
Last year around month six of having not talked to my brother. My aunt told me that adult relationships are a lot harder to fix than relationships when we’re younger. I took that to heart and made my attempt at flying the white flag. He can either want me to be in his life or not, and I guess I’m leaving that at his choice. But you know what? It’s not because I didn’t try.

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