Sunday, January 18, 2009

after all this time...

Since as long as I can remember that I have liked boys (and they have equally liked me back) I have been going somewhere. If some boy wanted some chance to get to know me, date me, whatever I always threw up the caution flag that I would be leaving in x ammount of time. Whether it was months, weeks, days or even hours, I always let them know. Letting them know sometimes was easier than others, but they always knew. So recently I came up against a boy if you will. Someone who liked mem and at first I thought I could equally like him. As time went on though, I learned he would be leaving. I had found this place where I could be happy standing still for a bit and he was leaving. I don't know why but it seemed from then on out I could not like him. Whether it was the way he kissed or the shaky feeling of his hand on my back. All of these things made me cringe about him. He had told me upfront that he would be leaving in x ammount of months and I couldn't believe it. While that was some time ago, and I have learned alot more about him, I just realized something new this morning. What if I hadn't known he was leaving? What if it was subconsciencely that that kept me from really liking him. I mean I wouldn't be leaving him so why would I let him leave me? I guess my main question today is. Could I have liked him more had I not known he was leaving? I'll probably never know that, and I'm okay with that.

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