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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

White Flags waving

I'm the easy girl... or atleast that's how it use to be. I'd make out with any guy... well almost any guy. You could say I've changed since then. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm still that girl. So here's the sinario. I liked this guy... I thought he could be one of THOSE guys that I had been looking for. You know the one who will wait till he's really gotten to know you, before making a move. He'd wait till some kind of foundation had been laid. I want that. Something thats worth it. Something serious. Well earlier this year I thought Id met a guy who could be that guy but then he made a move the first time we made out and I figured he wasn't the type of guy to go for what I was looking for. But then... he's been hanging out with a friend of mine for the past two weeks and hasn't made a move. I saw him holding her hand when she was drunk in bed tonight and I just wanted to vomit. God dammit! How in the fuck did I end up like this? I haven't been this lonely since I didn't recognize myself in Mexico. Is there really a guy out there who can take me as I am? I'm so tired of just looking around, and I'm tired of just partying. I know that sounds bad. I'm tired of being the only person in my family without a date to stupid functions. I want to be the lucky girl. I already know I'm lucky. But that's not the kind of lucky i really want right now. What do I do?

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Running on Faith

I think we all come to a moment in our lives when we feel like we're running on nothing but faith. We're putting out whole being into our faith in the hope that god, or some other higher being will get us to where we're going, whether or not it's where we're supposed to be. I need every leap of faith that I have in me to get me to where I'm going. I'm scared out of my mind at the idea of not being able to just pick up and drive home. Theres moments when I'm hom that I can't imagine ever being away from it. I'm so in love with the people and so inticed with the flavor they bring to my life. How could I ever live wihtout them? I'm not sure, but I think I'll have to figure it out. I was at a visitation yesterday and somebody mentioned that there were four coolers of beer at the house after the house after the visitation. What the hell? Who says things like this? I'll tell you who. My people. The people I grew up with, some of the stuff they say is so messed up I can't even place it, but that is the exact reason I love them. They add such a rich tastefull flavor to my life and I don't know that I could ever trade that for anything.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Piano Man

For some reason, unbeknownst to me Ireland changed me, and there are moments when I miss it in the absolute worse way possible. There was this one time when I was at this bar called Fitzgeralds, and there was a guitar guy playing a bunch of songs... the ones I can remember that he played was "Piano man", "Whats going on?", and i think "Mr Jones" I can still listen to Mr Jones and it doesnt even faze me... but every time I hear Piano Man, a smile spreads across my face and tears well in my eyes. Omigod I miss it, and I have no idea why. People in my life are dying and living, laughing and crying. In Ireland it was just my life... just me, I was the only one I had to worry about. God I miss Ireland. Isn't that horrible. But then why does that song make me cry every time. Theres times, when my head shifts, and I still write to Dara, I have no idea why, but I just write to him, to tell him about my life. I know I'll never see him again. And I think part of me is ok with that... I think. I've been drinking tonight and i dont know what I should be saying right now, but.... man I miss Ireland. Sing us a song the Piano Man

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Scary

I had a moment yesterday. I'm hoping it was just a moment, a fleeting one. I'm hoping it didn't mean anything, when it might have. A friend and I were running towards each other with our arms open... like in the movies, and then unexpectedly, he lifted me up and then spun me in a circle. Totally didn't expect it. He told me he got caught up in the moment. I've know him since last year... my moment was with him, but it was the moment later that sent me to tears. I was at my job and realized everything I was leaving. What if I don't have friends like these where I'm going? What if it's not what i like? should I stay? That thought actually crossed my mind... should I stay? I don't think I will but just the idea floating in my head scared the shit out of me. Life is happening and I'm loving it. But I'm also enjoying the idea of starting over and then theres this little voice thats saying "again". I've done the whole starting over thing, I did it in a country where no one even spoke my language but they knew me all too well. Scary isn't it? Well I'm going to get off here. Much love

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

hey hey hey

Oh sigh... my life is quickly slipping away from me and I'm losing control of things. I'm either in class or at work. Needless to say I'm not crazy about my job but do I ever need the money. I just looked up in the mirror and realized I have a new dimple, it's on my other cheek. Maybe it's just fat? I swam 2000 yards today and that was somewhat exhausting. The idea of moving is becomming more and more of a reality which kind of freaks me out. Part of me wants to just drop out of college and make it in the film industry. The new roommate thing is going okay, we're friends so that helps. I think I'm going to go running tomorrow, if I get up in time. Well I'm going to bed. g'night

Friday, October 12, 2007

You can't go home again

People always say you cant go home again. I never paid it much mind till I came back from Mexico and I dont feel like I've been at home since. Not only is that bad but I cant even watch the TV in my own fucking home. Isnt that retarded. My moms new fiance, he's a great guy and I really do like him, he's nice and makes my mom happy, but he had turned our house into a freakin technological play house. I cant even turn on the damn TV because theres like five remotes and I have no idea how any of them work. My mom is also delusional from time to time and has no concept of when things were baught. She has in her head that our black DVD player is new, when the deusch bag of an ex boy friend baught that for us, it was our first DVD player and the second one, the coloring isnt right on it, so it feels like youre watching an old 80s retro film. God I hate comming home. I know it sounds bad, and it can be okay sometimes, but more times than not its just a big headache. I think my problem is I get these romantisized images in my head of what home is supposed to look like and its never like that. This fucking sucks.

You can

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Tick-toc

So it seems I found an apartment, in Wilmington, North Carolina. I haven't actually seen it, but it's going to be great, I can just tell. It's a small apartment, but it will be mine. Rebecca is going to come up and help me decorate it which I am excited about. I wont know anyone, not that that should make me nervous at all, but ok I'll admit it does. I mean I'm sure I'll meet people moving in even, but oh this shall be a very big adventure. Maybe I'll design it like it's straight out of Potter Barn (not likely) or maybe out of a thrift store. It's so weird the idea of me being all grown up and paying for everything. Over the summer I would see some pictures of me in Spain and think "wow I look alot older" knowing the person in the photo was me as an adult. Oh where did the time go? It feels like just yesterday 14 was the age of growing up and I wasnt allowed to be friends with a 17 year old, then dating a guy who was 20 was trashy, and now look at me, IM ALMOST 20!! Where did time go?

Thursday, October 4, 2007

It's what you do to me

I was talking to Ying today on the internet and I told her how the memory of her and her host brother had slipped into my mind, and I went on to explain how her host brother had changed me. Best kisser yet, hands down. She said she thought Seth had changed me, when he had. It didn't stop there though, it was Oscar, Dorian, Johnson, Max, My Max, Fernanda, my third host family, Ying, Kim, it all changed me. It changed me as a person. So what happens when you go away for a short time and everything changes? Not everything where you came from, but everything about ones self. I came home from Mexico and i was thinking about who I would have been had I not gone to Mexico and I honestly had no idea, I mean not one iota of a clue. For something to change you that much that you can't even invision what life would be like without it, that's something huge. Something that just doesn't go away over night. My friend "Penelope" and I have often beaten down, over analyzed, and picked apart how depressed we were after our year abroad. We haven't been the same since. We can't hold still. Is there consiquences to being a nomad? I mean didn't they die out? That's not saying too much about myself. I talked to a good friend this evening and he explained that he was going to Puerto Rico over the next summer, I was panged with envy but went on to explain that in reality he wouldn't even be leaving the United States. Us nomad are far and few in between and we're dying out. Help me. Help me. For the first time though I feel like I can finally really stand on my own two feet and just be myself and be ok with who that is. Well it's nappy time. Bon note

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

The age of innosence

This is for those of you who were born between 1982-1992 you know what TGIF is. I don't mean Thank God It's Friday, or even TGI Fridays, I mean the abc program that was on once a week and always had the best shows. It was a time when the weekends had the best television programs. Abc's TGIF on Fridays and Nickalodean' Snick on Saturday's. What a great time to be a kid huh? Recently, a friend of mine found and downloaded all seven seasons of Boy Meets World for me, and I have no idea why but I absolutly love that show. I'm sure it's not just me talking. I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who were absoluty in love with shaun at one point, guys who wanted to have a girlfriend as "hot" as Topanga or Rachel. It was the age of innocence. I show that aired during a time that sexual inuendos were almost unheard of and rarely even shown.

I remember when the final episode of Boy Meets World war airing... I was at a dude ranch. I remember I was so mad because you had to be 13 to sit in the hot tub and I was merely 11. I was convinced I would come back in two years when I was 13, it was such a long time away. 13 seems like light years ago. Time goes so fast its unbelievable.

On the subject of old school TV shows, I'm going to dare to take a small little trip down memory lane. Salute Your Shorts, a tv show based on a bunch of kids at summer camp, with a groutchy counceler, based on camp Onawana. And during the summer on Nickalodean, there was Stick stickly. Hey Dude, a small show about a bunch of kids on a dude ranch. The original cast of All That... good times. Well now that memory lane is closed, I'm going to finish my current episode of Boy Meets World and hit the sack

Monday, October 1, 2007

The world at my fingers


Whenever I'm abroad I always feel like I have the whole world at my fingers, litterally. Like at a whim and a want I could go anywhere or do anything. Maybe it was just being away from any real authority figure. Just the same however, the world was mine. My last night in Paris before my family came, I went out with Matthew and a few other people and we went to this club. We had a great time even though alot of people weren't there. Matthew and I danced to our hearts content and once or twice I even got caught dancing in a manwich, one guy on each thigh. Matthew and I had become fast friends after we met one morning and spent a whole day together, museums, grave yards, the catacomes, the ifel tower. Tom was along with us as well. Then to top off a perfect day we went dancing. Matthew and I had our thing, we would walk arm in arm with each other, I was slightly attracted to him, I'm not sure that atracted is the right word, but maybe drawn, yes there we go, I was drawn to him. He and I just clicked. He said he had a girlfriend back home in California. I didn't exactly buy it, but whatever. But the arm latching was our thing, it was like he was my support. Well, we're all in this dance club in Paris, it was Matthew, and Claire from the states, two guys from London, and some guy from Ireland, I should remember his name but I don't. It had been a full week and there had been no french kissing in France and I was slightly let down. I mean after all isn't that what France is known for? So I had been check out the guy from Ireland, coyly flirting and such. He was from Dublin, which would be my next destination. Well after an amazing masage from Matthew and some dancing, I had to retire. I had stubbed my toe and some purple and very painful bump was forming on my big toe. Matthew was still dancing when I started to chat up the rest of the group I was with. Ireland was standing next to me and Matthew came back. Next thing I know Ireland is kissing at my neck and I look over my shoulder to see everyone looking just as shocked as I felt. Well I never turn down foreign boys... ok I do, but not this one. So he and I go to a more secluded part of the club and continue doing what France is known for. Well everyones ready to leave and guess who finds me. Matthew. He told me he was completely ashamed and our arm locking couldn't mean anything after what I had done. I had never felt so torn down in my life. I'm a hard nut to crack but boy he did it. I felt horrible. Somehow on the way home we got split up, me and a few people took a taxi and Matthew and the rest took the night bus. Well by the time he had got back to the Hostel I was in full apology mode, because everything (whatever that might have been) that we had had and shared was so sacred to me, and he had to know that. So I gave him the letter I wrote, he would read it once I was gone. It wasn't until the next morning at breakfast that he had apologized and said he realized he was a bit harsh on me. I had the whole world at my fingers then. I could have wanted to see where out new found friendship would take us, and follow him to his next destination, but instead I did just as I had planned. I jumped a plane to Dublin, Ireland. And that trip in it's self is a whole other story.